Your home for intelligent conversation on the web
Bedroom First Encounter in A New Relationship-Waht Happens If It Disappoints?
THINQon is a platform for a more intelligent web. It aims to replace the ruling paradigm of the web – that of sharing and gathering information – with a sharing and achieving of understanding. Instead of the Q&A model it offers an experience. A platform for discovery of ideas, people, and yourself.     Continue >
First Encounter in A New Relationship-Waht Happens If It Disappoints?
A friend of mine called me the other day and she was rather distraught. Seems she was seeing a man for a few months  &  they were getting serious.She was very excited about this person and they seemed to be a good fit. Both in mid-late 40's.Their first sexual encounter was disappointing. 
Although she did not go into details, what she asked me is this: Would a disappointing first sexual encounter end a new relationship? I told her
no it would not end it for me. But then she told me the real reason for her feeling sad and angry about it----he blamed her for not being able to stimulate
him properly. The "Blame Game". It seems to me that this would be the kiss of death, not his inability to sustain an erection-----performance
anxiety happens. And a new relationship, where you are not vested yet, is a tough venue to discuss erectile dysfunction---(tough enough if you
are married or have been with someone for years). 

She is torn about what to do. She feels very strongly for this man, and thought they could just try again. But the idea that a man would not accept at least
partial blame, (although I know this is impossible to imagine) and blame her----(who has never had any complaints I might add)--seems to be the real problem
where the issues go deeper than the sexual problem at hand. Is this the red flag?
I'm with you, Deborah.  How is this going to progress? He's not getting any younger and probably not any kinder. What's the chance he's going to get over this issue? (Well, he certainly might without denial -- but blaming his partner doesn't seem to be a good first step.) So here your beautiful, savvy, sexy, wonderful friend is considering spending years of her life taking the fall for a problem this guy developed before he met her AND is looking for someone to blame. It's not going to do wonders for her self esteem. Not to mention that he doesn't really sound like the kind of partner that would help a woman sexily and happily navigate menopause -- she gains five pounds or has hot flashes and he'll be there to point out she's not turning him on -- it's like the adult equivalent of parents who react with shame and horror to your first menstruation. Who needs it?

I guess there are several scenarios where she might give him another chance. Let's say she feels, on reflection, that they were both nervous/irritable and it might be good for everyone to try again. Let's suppose he had a good psychological reason, like a history of being abused, and she thought she could save/change him (sounds like another great idea). Or let's suppose he's just really uncomfortable talking about sex and is trying to tell her he'd like her to role-play or do something specific that will help him. That could be ok. If she really likes him, maybe she should confront the issue directly over coffee, with clothes on. "It seemed to me like you were blaming me for something, and I want to understand what you meant. I don't agree with what I heard, but I like you and care about giving you a chance to set the record straight."

My last bit of advice is more a lament. If she likes this guy meaning she likes his ideas, energy, personality, it's a shame she can't find room for him in her life in a way that doesn't necessitate their being in an exclusive relationship. This is hard to pull off, but maybe honest flattery could do it...would depend on the characters involved.

That's my two cents.

In response to Emily Andrews
I do think this guy is in denial about his problem, from what she tells me----it doesn't appear it is coming from a place of being mean. However,
point well taken on the "long term" viability of this union.

I like your last bit of advice---to find room for him in her life. Strangely enough he is not insisting she be monogamous with him, but he 
wants to remain monogamous with her....yeah, I hear you----this pattern sounds a bit strange to me---and I wonder if this guy may be closeted.
Always my first thought, since I, personally, have had experience with that when I was younger.

In response to Deborah Stone
Fair enough. I guess it must be really tough for men when that happens, and probably guys who are otherwise perfectly nice can become jerks when they are embarrassed and upset in such situations.

Still, though I'm more removed from the story, I kind of get that vibe of "something's hidden" too. (Assuming your friend is somebody pretty sensitive and open in bed.) People are very complicated sexually and if he's not specifically complaining about the mechanics of it (accidental biting, not enough lubrication, etc) then it could well be that what he's attracted to is not exactly what she is. Maybe it's gender, maybe it's French maids. And that's tough. 

Maybe she can suggest a threesome (with another man) -- as a way of testing your hypothesis. >:-)
Join the Community
Full Name:
Your Email:
New Password:
I Am:
By registering at, you agree to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy.
Discussion info
Latest Post: September 20, 2011 at 1:45 PM
Number of posts: 13
Spans 56 days

No results found.