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The Living Room Relationships Monogamy? Having him/her all to yourself
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Having him/her all to yourself
I was reading a story of a guy locking his wife at home, not wanting her to talk to other men or women, and so on. You know the drill, there are so many such cases. Constantly in the monogamy discussion the topic of having your partner all to yourself pops up. This is the major part isn't it - someone to have who is yours and only yours.

It's interesting to note how is this interpreted differently with men and women. For women it means the guy shouldn't have affairs, while for men it often means the same, but also that she shouldn't have a life except as for/with him.She shouldn't talk to anybody, or do stuff without him Meanwhile, women too don't like the idea of their husbands having any kind of life which doesn't include them, except work-related. They much more easily accept work-related activities but only as long as they are in order to advance his career.
In both cases mad jealousy attacks are extremely common. In both cases, violent jealousy attacks are extremely common.
(And even in couples accepting some separate parts of life, the "mine and only mine" is always present.)

Where does this demand for uniqueness come from? Obviously ownership has something to do with it, but it is only part of the story; or is it? Is it the whole story?
Hi Roy,

Its a good question, i hope someone who is acting in a jealous way could answer and give his/her point of view on this.
I can say only about myself, i don't think monogamy is a natural thing, it all starts and ends with birth. Now obviously the female wants to protect her young and would like the male to provide for her, and the male? well i don't really know. There's a theory about men, i think i heard it in some movie, guys only strive for spreading their gene pool as widely as possible and monogamy is not a natural thing for them.
The only deep relationship I ever had was with a man I had to share with a zillion other women--not sexually but because he loved us all.  I found it very painful, and eventually so painful I had to break it off. The best excuse I gave him was that his wife had divorced him and his children abandoned him afterwards, and I decided that he wasn't about to give his heart completely to one person ever again.  He had been hurt too badly.  He had been a model of husbandhood and fatherhood and this was what he got.
I didn't feel jealous in the usual sense.  I completely understood his love for the other women as people and I didn't want to discourage it.  But when our relationship reached the stage where he had become a genuine part of my life, it would come as a shock if, e.g.,  he decided to take another friend to her country house over the weekend.  When a (male) good friend of mine told me "he shouldn't do that," I acknowledged he was right.  And began to pull away so as to avoid more pain.
I think the idea of exclusivity is acceptable only when the person for whom it applies accepts it and finds happiness in it.
Speaking for myself, I generally do not demand much of those around me; I prefer to adopt a laissez faire approach. When it comes to a girlfriend however, I have before, and will demand a much higher degree of exclusivity. I think it addresses a need of mine, somehow making up for the distance I maintain with the rest of the world.

On the other hand, when a girlfriend has demanded exclusivity from me, I have in turn been happy to oblige. I recognize that she has a need that mirrors my own.

As far as monogamy specifically is concerned, I see it as a sort of character building experience. When I have been in a relationship, I have been tempted to stray on occasion, but choosing to keep a promise and in building a relationship with a woman you grow to know better with every day has its own rewards.

Maybe that's it, don't you think? If I keep jumping from relationship to relationship, or focus on different women at a time, each tie remains superficial, it's depths poorly explored. Instead, I'd rather focus on one woman, make her the center of my universe and know her in ways no one else will ever know.

Now that sounds exciting.   
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Latest Post: June 28, 2010 at 4:44 AM
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