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How to avoid Ego and confess love?
I need HELP! Period. I am desperately infatuated with a person who happens to be a wonderful man with amazing qualities and traits. However, as a woman, around him, I have indulged myself with the Feminine time-wasting mind games that crippled me from approaching the person and, instead, wasted my time with others in attempts to attract his attention. Now, I am fairly away from him and missing each minute that passes by me without knowing what he's being up to or how to fill the void left after his disappearance. Be mindful that this is a 15 day infatuation with a period of 4 days of longing and missing.

Last night and after long discussions with friends and loved ones, I have come to the conclusion that my "Modern Ego" got into my way and prevented me from what could've been my Ultimate love story. Now I know this is too dramatic but here's the question; what if the Feminine ego steps in the way of the woman's happiness and blindfolds her from seeing what is best for her?

Is it the age where women need to make the initiative to what might be the long prayed for love opportunity and, if not eternally, but current happiness??
Hi Layla,

A few years ago I was in a similar position. Like you, I flirted with others, not so much to use it as a way to catch his attention, but more as a way to deal with the embarrassment I felt owing to the lack of interest he showed towards me. It was a hard fact to accept, that he wasn’t interested. (Though technically, I will never know for sure, my ego prevented me from making any direct move and tell him).

So why are we so afraid of being rejected? Of not being interesting? After all, it is not a matter of judgment on us, but a matter of taste and compatibility. In my case for example, the person I was interested in made his choice sometime later (he married her eventually and they have a family now), and it was clear that what he was looking for was the complete opposite from what I could offer him. 

The “Modern Ego” as you say, preventing you from doing the right thing, could be seen simply as lack of self-confidence. You need to be strong and sure of yourself in order to show who you are and reveal your feelings. It is strange to put “lack of confidence” as another word for “ego”, but it sounds right to me. I think we are lucky to live in an age where women CAN take the initiative without being considered desperate or unattractive. They can stop being obsessed with the goal of ever-pleasing and being loved at any price.

It could also be dangerous to reveal oneself to the wrong person who could easily take advantage of you. Infatuation (see post ) has a way of blind(fold)ing, and your ego could as well be seen as your guardian. 

Going back to your specific problem, I would say that your tactic of attracting him through flirting with others was obviously unsuccessful and you should think of another approach. The more direct approach (but cool, not to appear too hot!) of inviting him out for a date-dinner, in order to get to know each other because you have a sympathy for him and find him interesting is a good option. I wouldn’t reveal the infatuation you feel towards him until you’ve met on several dates enabling you to make sure he is close enough to the person you imagine him to be, and that there is a possibility of his returning your feelings.

I understand that he is away at the moment, and if you are too impatient to await his return, you could consider writing to him a Love letter, but as you can see from that discussion, the minds are divided as to the love letter’s effect. (especially coming from a woman)

Good luck!
I never understood those mind games, from either sex. Why play them? On the other hand, I'm sure it did cost me many relationships as if people see you want them they think there must be something wrong with you. I can't say the games are not useful, but I am against them. So what if the world is stupid, it doesn't mean one needs to cooperate, and if people are not psychologically advanced enough to want you without these games - then they are not worth it. (I can tell you there were women who thought that because I was interested in them it meant no one else wanted to talk to me. I found their reasoning funny, as of course it showed they thought worse about themselves than about me.)

If people don't advance themselves they expect other people to advance. You want men to accept you making the first step, well they need to see women doing that to change their own behaviour. You can leave it to others to advance your sex, or can take the responsibility yourself (I would recommend reading that post on responsibility).

You say "Modern Ego"  but I would more say gender stereotypes. It is not your ego which is stopping you, but your fear. Fear from overstepping your bounds. He might say no, but what would you really lose? Whatever your ego will lose from the no, it will gain from daring to do the first step. (or, would it be a double blow, both feeling rejected, and that you shouldn't make the first move?)
(When confessing love the ego is involved for both sexes, but you are not really there yet. You haven't dated or anything, so it's really to confess an interest, and that's more gender stereotypes than ego).

Lieke mentions the love letters discussion. Lieke, the opinions weren't divided until the person knows she is interested. The argument was whether there is much point continuing if they already know you are interested in them.

Layla, you say you come from Bahrain. I don't know how strong are the gender roles there. I'm sure it somewhat depends on your group of friends, but it is never completely detached from the general culture. I assume in a place like Saudi Arabia, even amongst the most enlightened parts of the society, the surrounding culture has a strong effect. As I don't know anything about the culture there, and have sadly yet to visit, the advice here might be skewed towards western countries. (Though it is not like the US, or the west in general, is exactly "advanced"  with regards these matters).

To conclude, I would say it is always good for the woman, or the man, to make the initiative, the moment they are interested.
Layla, first of all, warm sympathies! These are always complicated moments.
In case it is any consolation, I do feel personally that various encounters in life arrive bearing gifts, that is to say, they have a certain wisdom to teach us. You met this person, and he has caused you to completely rethink your relation to men, and to think carefully and seriously about how you want to act as a woman in the world. That's quite a lot for an encounter! Yes, we might suppose that you will never see him again and that you will have wasted a great opportunity. It's possible, but though I know nothing about him, somehow from your story I suspect that's not likely. My guess would be that if it is meant to be, your paths will continue to cross, and that if they don't, then perhaps really this meeting has been a kind of preparation, reminding you of issues which you will need to address, because they might soon be useful in a more important context. Remember that you do not really know this person yet, though you may feel you do. You cannot yet say whether his role in your life is as an example, or whether he will really be a significant individual for you.

I would suggest that as much as possible, you use the energy of this dilemma to figure out what kind of behavior you think is best for you in these types of situations, what would make you feel most comfortable and most satisfied. It is never enjoyable to feel that you have missed an opportunity, however this doesn't mean you have to be blunt -- each person has their own way of acting and accomplishing. The most effective people are the ones who know themselves. Think back to other women you admire, friends, aunts, movie stars. How would they have handled the situation? Imagine yourself acting as they do. Every person does something different. The key is to find the level of forwardness which makes you feel that you are participating in life rather than simply allowing it to happen to you.

One more thing, in my experiences the people who act the best are those who have clarity about who they are and what they would like to accomplish, but of course choosing goals is a subtle thing. A person who hopes to accomplish getting a man to marry her is easy to see through, and often manipulative and unpleasant. On the other hand, a person who has clear and high goals about her development as a human being, and is very particular in her choices of friends and potential partners, is entirely different; when you are around her, if you have the same dreams, you immediately understand each other. This is entirely different from expecting a man to provide us with dreams.

Be fearless in your love of life, allow yourself to feel the depth of your current happiness, and future happiness will take care of itself...
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Latest Post: August 25, 2009 at 5:05 AM
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